HIV diagnosis changes you immediately. Like any life changing illness you become a person chasing numbers. You become focused on health, social connection and mental health. Time becomes the enemy as everything is done after the day you found out. Then your prospective changes. In order to live you are forced to a pill regime and being a slave to doctors appointments and results.

There's a reason for bad habits, usually lack of self-love from past traumas and a-holes. At a certain age it's expected you get your S together on that or you don't function socially or in anything well. HIV diagnosis and for myself too, forced me to confront that and grow. I don't know if that accelerated something that would be natural anyway. You don't get the good without the bad, i's part of our soul contract and journey. Bless that crap in the past because look at what a beautiful person you are evolving and growing to be every day. Maybe your mission was to experience that to carry a message by example forward. I was a wild guy in my youth but now have a great job that pulls from those experiences and character (entertainment) and volunteer for a 501 as an officer and lead two athletic groups. I think sometimes w/o that past I may have ended up as a boring idjit that plays video games all day on the couch. So, nothing was wasted or wrong-nothing! xoxo. Let me add smt here...when I was a party boy drunk and got tired of that, I asked what is my purpose here? Iwasnt clear on that but knew it would be revealed and instantly I had no desire or partying like that anymore, and instantly the people and resources I needed for the new life showed up-people who previously simply couldn't relate to or hire me etc. Behave like the people you want to be like, be like the boyfriend you want, all that stuff is logical. Like attracts like. Indeed you are in control of your destiny and always have the choice. Good job, happy for you! Also, HIV hasn't devastated me, its a thing that happened...I deal with it.

@A myHIVteam Member. In many ways, you are describing what it feels like to get older. Not great, but better than the alternative (dying young). A focus on self care may be why you have survived. Unfortunately, we stigmatize getting older as much as we do HIV.❤️

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A myHIVte...

"When life gives you lemons, make lemon cream pie!" @A myHIVteam Member

I feel proud to be among this group of losers. Turns out we are winners after all. 🤠

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A myHIVte...

hang in there Brad, I've been poz for 40 years and I'm still healthy and undectable